The exhaustion of loss and life

Hi everyone, it’s been awhile since I’ve written much, and for that I apologize.

Things have been rough since early December. We learned shortly after Thanksgiving that our beautiful house pathner, Shadow, had cancer and no chances of survival. He was fine, and then suddenly he wasn’t. A trip to the emerngecy vet pretty much brushed aside concerns and gave us an appetite stimulant, which meant he was eating again. I was hopeful. “Oh he has such a funny x-ray!” they said, laughing, not thinking anything of what that might mean. This poor guy, first he had to have surgery for eating string many years ago, then had a fever of unknown origin a couple of years before the cancer discovery. Things hadn’t been easy, or cheap, emergency vet bills and big problem cause the dollar signs to stack. But it didn’t matter, we loved… no, still love, Shadow and the rest of our beautiful pets. I took him for a follow up at the regular vet once the holiday weekend was over, and they were actually concerned over the x-ray. So they called in a specialist who could do ct-scans and… the longer the time went through the day that he was there, the more I knew it was going to be devastating news when the phone rang.

Pancreatic cancer, it had taken over most of his abdominal cavity, there was nothing they could do. Other than make him comfortable for a final few days at home. So we did, he was as comfortable as he could be, he ate with the help of medicine, and though perhaps I could have waiting longer until it was “obviously time” I couldn’t. Facing him as he grew thinner and seemed so weak was too much for me to bear, the rest of us too. So we all made a heart shattering goodbye as we tearfully let him pass. He wanted to fight, he still had as much energy as he could, but there wasn’t much hope that anything would work. It would be suffering to even try, and I just.. I couldn’t.

Not long later, in February, his brother Creamy suddenly peed very blood tinged urine. Lots of it, so much of it, I knew he had been struggling with bathroom issues and was treating him thinking he would be okay. A weekend in a different emergency vet was fraught with so much doubt and tears that I hardly managed to work though it. Every time I went to work, I’d then get a call with the update. Every time I’d become so distraught that tasks became so impossible. He didn’t seem like he would improved, but I begged the vet , what would she do? Would she try one last day like she suggested? Or would she say goodbye???!

Though she said she didn’t feel very hopeful, she said she would do an extra day. It was another $1k, but… we did it. I am so glad we did because otherwise we would have given up and he wouldn’t be here. You see, his kidneys recovered remarkably well. Yes, he’s in the beginning stages of kidney disease, but his numbers are beautiful. So I will never doubt my desire to give him that other day. I wish I could have given Shadow the same.

Sadly, not long after this, our 19 year old cat Freyja, who had been dealing with kidney disease, hyperthyroidism, and what we suspect was a cancerous legion (she was about to go in to get in actually removed and checked out!) suddenly took a devastating turn. In less than a week we had to say a tearful goodbye to her as well.

Things mellowed out for a very short time. Our 14 1/2 year old cat started presenting with symptoms that I knew were hyperthroidism too, she’s alright. Other than hyperthyroid her kidneys are good, often the two come hand in hand. She’s on medication now, but the stress is neverending it feels.

Sadly… nothing stopped there. I woke up one morning to get the youngest to school, and as usual for the morning got food and fresh water for my precious bird Chicken Wing. Only to find she has passed in her sleep. I spent hours crying, begging her to come back! She had seemed so fine the day before, singing to music, bathing happily, basking in the sunshine! Snuggling against me as I sang to her before bed. It wasn’t fair, it still isn’t. That was the beginning of April.

It’s been a few months since we’ve lost the three we have, but it doesn’t stop how much it hurts to look at the special boxes their ashes are in. We picked the wooden urns with a place for a picture. Shadow and Bwee are downstairs with little special shrines. Freyja is upstairs with my oldest where she mostly stayed.

The stress of aging pets is hard, coupled with my own health problems that feel never ending. It feels like I haven’t had much time to come up for air and feel as though anything is alright in the world for a few years now. Coping feels impossible. I’m trying, I’m in therapy again on top of my usual appointments for health related problems. Honestly, I’m at some sort of providers office anywhere from 3-6 times a week for various things just for myself, not counting any for the kids. I’m exhausted and feel like I’m sinking many days. Though  try and keep going, I apologize for my lack of posts. I want to keep reviewing things, having fun, and sharing life with you all. Preferably not just things like this when I feel a moment of the ability to talk.

For now, I’ll leave this here. A  little update into the things that have crushed me and caused me to feel like inside I’m a burntout husk of myself.

I’ll also end on a picture of Kimi, being cute in a cardboard box. He acts most times as if he was never on the verge of dying, with kidney numbers so off the chart that we had no hope. He’s still here, and in a way, we feel as though the fighting spirit of Shadow is within him. Helping him still be here, helping Shadow still be here
Squeee is confused on why I am crying now, so I’m going to let him cuddle me as he wishes, and try and soothe the pain that seems to always linger.