I missed him before he left the door.

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I wrote this to Aussie this morning, I don’t know what else to write today. As I am feeling all around still a bit low. The house seems… so much more empty without his presence. He’s not just ‘right over there’ reading a book, or watching tv, or on another computer. No longer oh just downstairs playing DDR, or playing with the kids, or… just right here at my side.

So… I don’t have anything super fun and exciting right now.

James (note: Aussie’s name),

As I write this, you’re alone in the living room with Var building a puzzle.

The girls are all sleeping away their lobster and biscuit induced food coma’s… and I am hiding in here pretending that today is not the day that you have to leave us.

I know it hasn’t been easy for you, transitioning to living with so many people.

Yet at the same time, it hasn’t felt like that aside from within the first few days…

and then?

Oh then…

It was just…

Normal.

Right.

The days just went on by and nothing seemed to drag at all. Usually… without you… days seem weeks and months seemed years.. and years… felt like forever.

Yet it just felt so… right and normal to have you here.

I could do things and not worry that the kids didn’t have a second parent, I didn’t feel like it was me against the world. Or that if I slept in I was somehow negligent.

Because I knew, that I didn’t have to worry. You were right there with them and everything was alright…

Yet here we are…

9:11AM… and your fsking taxi comes at 12:30 to take you away from us for another few months…

Which isn’t fair. We just found out yesterday it is likely to be another 30 days just for the information to make it on to Sydney. Which means, at the very least, we have a month to start working on all those forms, and seeing exactly what we need to have you bring for your interview over there. At least that buys us time to get all those forms filled out. Though really? It’s hardly a comfort at this point in time.

I am still, partially pretending that today is not the day, if only because I feel the tears stinging at my eyes and my nose starting to tickle.

Sure signs that the tears are coming soon… and I’m pretending I’m stronger than that.

We got to experience our first Valentines day together. And though I was rude and inconsiderate about it at the time, and jokingly so a few times afterwards…

I don’t care anymore how ‘ungrand’ that it was. Because… I finally had you here for it. It didn’t have to be this huge celebration, because I still felt loved and wanted, for the most part, during all the other days you were home.

Perhaps that is the ultimate difference between you and everyone else I’d ever been with.

Your love doesn’t have to be shoved into one day and shown off in the most fancy way possible.

It’s just… there, and I know it in the things you do. Even if sometimes your lack of self confidence makes me question things… in retrospect… These past three weeks have felt more amazing than any one Valentines day I’ve ever experienced. A flashy display… while breath taking for a moment, and a fond memory…

Could never ever replace how the past three weeks have been.

For better or for worse… through everything that has gone on from the time that Taxi showed up to deliver you home… and… until… the moment it comes to whisk you back away from us…

Life has felt complete, and I can’t wait until you are here again to be in it. Without the threat of having to be whisked away in another three weeks time.

21/22 days… Is just not enough.

Still…

Let’s look on this… with whatever strength we can manage from our tear dotted eyes.

Look on it as… a very… necessary step in this lengthy and difficult process. Since you do indeed have to be within Australia in order to complete the process to get you home.

…Who the heck am I kidding? This is a sad moment, though I want to dot the morning with good memories. Which is why I am hiding in the bedroom. Allowing you two boys some time man-to-man. Because I’ve been selfish and have had many night times and afternoon times with you all to myself with the children at school. They deserve some just you time, considering how much they get of just me.

Well…

Instead, it looks like everyone is awake and thusly wants me to make them all some breakfast.

Please be safe, and in good health. I hope you managed to sleep on the plane.

Let’s… get all this Visa stuff taken care of soon. Alright? Somehow, somehow darn it. I want to at least make our August 1st date. Or sometime in August anyway. Though our Anniversary would be… the perfect date for our new Anniversary to be.

Considering how far behind our ideal we are at this point.

Thank you so much, for loving me despite how downright difficult of a person I can be.

I have 28 years of quirks, and… some I haven’t fixed just yet. Others I am still working with.

Yet still…

You picked me.

I love you,

I know I don’t say it nearly enough…

But I really do.

~Kisa

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After breakfast, we hid in the room (not really, the door was open), and lay down with each other. I ended up dozing off/on for a good 20 minutes. As it came closer and closer to when the taxi was going to come and whisk him away.

We all cried, every last one of us. I couldn’t make the kids go to school when they asked to be able to say farewell. That would be cruel. Instead, we spent the day together.

They seem stronger about all this than I do.

Just…another waiting game.